Sometimes I wish everyone was single like me- a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of single life to some, the gift of married life to others…….
And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
-1 Corinthians 7:7, 17 The Message
One of my favorite musicians, Missy Higgins, put out a new album at the beginning of the summer. The album is fantastic, and her craftsmanship is incredible. I have always loved hearing about the behind the scenes of the album making process. As I watched the making of her album, I was reminded of the beauty and talent that God can create and allow to come from a person……Missy compares making the album to the making a print and the process of carving into the wood. She talks about how most people just see the final product but don’t know the story of the carving process…..I think that is a beautiful image of my favorite form of art.
My precious friend Abbie wrote this beautiful blog as a guest writer on http://inthenameoflove.org/. She asked me for my thoughts/feedback…..so I shared them below…..enjoy her amazing writing and my thoughts fed from hers….
There’s not much worse than the petal that proclaims, “Loves me not.” And sad though it is, unreciprocated loves happen more often than the reciprocated kind. I was definitely the girl growing up who’d scoff at your boy sorrows and presume your love pains as lame. A few personal heartbreaks later, however, I can’t think of much that’s more painful.
The first time I got mad at God was during a breakup. This guy and I had done everything “right,” including following felt “promptings” to stay together. So when we broke up, it felt like God’s fault. “If You knew all along I’d mess up (or be messed up by) a given relationship, why did You allow it to unfold in the first place? Why do You allow, and even lead me, to date people, blessing our territories for a time, yet knowing full well a break-up song is in tune? Are You that obsessed with my growth that You’d hurt me so deeply? Or that undone by my lacking faith that You’d punish, ignore, or play games with me? Or is there something more delicate at hand here?”
I didn’t cry much as a kid. One night I did, though, was New Year’s Eve, 1989. I was traveling with my family, lodging at a Days Inn somewhere between Charlotte and D.C. Approaching midnight, my young senses were tiring, yet a fresh determination empowered my eyelids. “The end” was growing close and I was growing more and more desperate to stay with 1989. It seemed the end of an era to my eight-year-old mind, and I was devastated. How could it leave? How could it depart so quickly and never come back? Was it really never coming back?! I couldn’t deal with it. I didn’t want to deal with it. I was mad at the year. Angry that it would enter my life so richly and yet hold the audacity to depart. Tears poured as the television dropped the Times Square ball. I simultaneously made every effort to “save the year” by scooping its last breaths into a salad dressing bottle. In a flash, 1989 was gone. Death had confronted me. And like death, even when expected, breakups are unnatural, unexpected, and painful, because they taste like loss, which usually recalls other tasted losses. And they make us feel like we have been lost.
One of the biggest tragedies in our dating stories, or breakup sagas, is when we trivialize their processes to “natural.” I become a slave to my pain when I try to narrow its comprehensions to “logic.” Hovering beneath Christian jargon and hiding our authentic (God-given) judgment hides us from reality. Some days will be hard (like when you want to console, or be consoled by, an ex), and some situations are plain awkward (like seeing an old crush or seeing a new one with your old best friend). The alternative, however, is to stuff our pain in statements like, “I know God, so I shouldn’t be upset,” or “God always has a happy plan and future for me, so I’ve just gotta suck it up and move on.” Truth never modeled such a tale. To risk hurting one’s feelings, or risk handing over your real feelings, will usually be hard. But if God is true and truly Lord over outcomes (including feelings), we’re better off being authentically upset, heartbroken, and maybe even awkward, rather than maturing a lie.
God is all about holiness—showing us ours and drawing us toward His. So much so, in fact, that Scripture says His overarching will for our lives is holiness.[1] But what about when holiness doesn’t fix us or necessarily make us feel happy? And why is it that holiness seems to happen more often, even, through the likes of heartbreaks and breakups, than smooth-sailing life? Although sometimes holiness involves happiness, other times it involves suffering, unfulfilled longing, even societal persecution. Even in this, however, the challenging belief is that God is good and has His (and your) best interests in mind.[2]
Either God is good and for our good and knows what He is about, or He doesn’t. Either pain and death are the end of our stories, or they’re not. Successful dating should not just be classified as those who “get hitched.” Successful dating, or “courtship,” or life, that is, happen when a man and a woman are moved closer to God. Even in courtships that break up, then, or unrequited love that never requites, God’s hand is still initiating and pursuing and making something new. Sometimes God breaks up two good people with two good paths for no good reason. Except to draw us closer to Him.
[1] 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8; 1 Peter 1:15
My Response:
I think so often as young women, we are so driven by the expectations of the society that we are in. We have been reared and trained in both the Word of God and that “we should be married with babies by 30″. I wonder how God feels about this? I am not so sure He likes the idea of expectations being put on His children that He did not place on them Himself.
With that being said, I did not grow up in a house that placed these expectations. I learned them when I went to college in the south, where an engagement by spring of graduation was the norm. To be honest, I thought it was absurd and would laugh at the girls who so desperately longed for that……..but as time went on……and is still going on…….I have become that girl. At the age of 26, with no marriage or children in sight, I find myself in this emotional pity party. This expectation that I once thought so absurd, is now planted in my brain and won’t get out. This leads to my questioning God…..”Why do You not want this for me?”…….”God it’s been really great just being You and me, but I’m ready for an earthly companion.”…….”Why did you create me in a such a way that men see me as undesirable (except for the freaks)?”
And so my heart longs, for that companionship, for a father for children that I desperately want. But in this longing…..in this hurt…..God continually makes it clear to me that His timing is perfect……that He is for me and desires to fill the longings of my heart, and that when He fills them……my companion and father of my future children will outshine anyone that I could ever imagine for myself.
For more blogs from Abbie, check out http://unsteadysaint.com/. Also, be on the lookout for her fantastic book coming out this winter…..Celibate Sex
Last night, I got to see one of all time favorite performers at an intimate, unplugged show.It was the fourth time I have seen her perform, and it was by far, the best show I have ever been to. The skill of the musicians, their ability to feed off of each other, and their incredible vocals were nothing short of perfection.
As I stood in the long line of eager attenders I was quickly reminded of who I would be spending the evening with. I knew walking into the venue that I would be surrounded by a sea of misfits. In some ways I find great comfort in hanging out with these guys….. I feel like in some ways we are the same kind of weird and quirky music freaks. But in other ways….I stand amongst the crowd and my heart breaks because I realize that the one thing that is most important in my life, plays no significant role in theirs.
As I was watching and tapping my foot to the music, I could not escape this thought: How can anyone listening to this not know that there is God? How can you hear something so beautiful and not recognize the One who gave it to you to enjoy. As this thought flooded my mind, I found myself in a place of worship…..thanking God for the beauty of music and the joy that it brings to my soul. I began listening to the words, and rather than thinking about what the artists original intentions of the lyrics were…..I found myself hearing words talking about my Father. It was beautiful.
Now this might sound a bit strange to you…..you might not even think the band is any good……but for me……
I love that my Father showed up in the sea of unconventional people, beer, cussin’, and amazing talent.
The greatest moments in life are the miraculous moments when human impotence and divine omnipotence intersect — and they intersect when we draw a circle around the impossible situations in our lives and invite God to intervene.- The Circle Maker, Mark Batterson
My church, a2 Church, is currently going through a series called the Circle Maker which is influenced and based off of the book by Mark Batterson. As we take this journey as a church, I am also taking the journey within myself…..here are my thoughts as I begin this challenge:
I have never been very good at praying. I think it is due greatly to motivation, taking the time, or really knowing where to start. I go through my stints of writing in my prayer journal…..allowing my thoughts to be put on paper and hope that in some way they rise up to God. I pray about the simple things….the things I’m ok with talking to God about…….nothing that becomes emotionally overwhelming or puts me in a vulnerable place.
You know its funny…..we say that God knows all things, and that He knows the deepest desires of our hearts…..but I still find ways to NOT present those deepest parts of myself to the Father.
Our brain is a conveyer belt of boxes. Within each box is an emotion, thought, desire…..and if we train ourselves well enough, we get to decide when and which box we open every second of the day. I am discovering that the same occurs in my prayer life……
When I take the time to pray, I pick and choose what I want to present to God…..which boxes I want to open up. With this kind of control, I do not have to present the things I am afraid of……that I am too scared to bring to the table. Within this realization, I have come to see how much I doubt the power of God within myself.
My life is a true testimony of God’s faithfulness, grace, and willingness to pursue…..how hypocritical am I to doubt the power of God within me, when I know these things to be true!
As part of this prayer challenge, we have been asked to bring to God something that we desire desperately. A desire that only God can fulfill. A desire that we have kept in a duct taped box…..unwilling to give to the Father. As I thought about what my desires would be, God placed them very clearly in the forefront of my mind…..confirmed by the flood of tears that followed.
It has been made very clear to me, what two items I need to bring to the Father on a daily basis… To count on God for…..my biggest dreams I desire to be fulfilled………
Are there duct taped desires within yourself that you need to take off the conveyer belt and bring to the table?
“Bold prayers honor God, and God honors bold prayers. God isn’t offended by your biggest dreams or boldest prayers. He is offended by anything less. If your prayers aren’t impossible to you, they are insulting to God.”
“Miracles are the by-product of prayers that were prayed by you or for you. And that should be all the motivation you need to pray.”
“God has determined that certain expressions of His power will only be exercised in response to prayer. Simply put, God won’t do it unless you pray for it. We have not because we ask not, or maybe I should say, we have not because we circle not. The greatest tragedy in life is the prayers that go unanswered because they go unasked.”
“We pray out of our ignorance, but God answers out of His omniscience. We pray out of our impotence, but God answers out of His omnipotence. God has the ability to answer the prayers we should have prayed but lacked the knowledge or ability to even ask.”
“What is your Jericho? What promise are you praying around? What miracle are you marching around? What dream does your life revolve around?”
For some more thoughts on prayer check out our message from this past Sunday:
Do you ever feel overwhelmed? Want the world to be quiet so that you can refocus and listen to what your heart and spirit are telling you? In recent days, although more than satisfied with the life that is being laid out before me, I have been craving that silence. Craving to just stand still…..to not hear a sound. But reality is, life must move forward, and true silence in this chaotic world is not possible……..so this song has been my “silence” in recent days…..
I know all the lines to say
the part I’m expected to play
but in the reflection I am worlds away
as I put my costume on
eyelashes one by one
been doing this so long I can tie the knot
behind my back
And everyone’s waiting
but it’s getting harder to hear what my heart is saying
cos everyone’s waiting
Just swallow and breathe, she says
Remember this ain’t for you it’s for them
And all of those painful lessons you’ve had to learn
you gotta use them now or never
Cos everyone’s waiting
but it’s getting harder to hear
what my heart keeps saying
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off
When everyone’s waiting
it makes it harder to hear what my heart keeps saying
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off
but everyone’s waiting
I hear that answers appear when you just stand still
but make it all, how do you make it all stop
when everyone’s waiting?
Long ago the Lord said to Israel: I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn myself to you. -Jeremiah 31:3
I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For He has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels. – Isaiah 61:10
“I HAVE LOVED YOU with an everlasting Love. Before time began, I knew you. For years you swam around in a sea of meaninglessness, searching for Love, hoping for hope. All that time I was pursuing you, aching to embrace you in My compassionate arms. When time was right, I revealed Myself to you.
I lifted you out of that sea of despair and set you down on a firm foundation. Sometimes you felt naked—exposed to the revealing Light of My Presence. I wrapped an ermine robe around you: My robe of righteousness. I sang you a Love song, whose beginning and end are veiled in eternity. I infused meaning into your mind and harmony into your heart. Join Me in singing My song. Together we will draw others out of darkness into My marvelous Light.” – Jesus Calling
These words are overwhelming to me today. To thing that He was so intentional in pursuing me. He rescued me in His perfect timing. In all of those moments where I was so lost, He was so desperate to hold me. But God had to do it in His time. Sometimes I wonder why that was His timing. Why not sooner? But then I remember who I was, and my unwillingness to listen. God knew that I had to be stripped down to nothing in order to accept His gift of life. He knew that this girl was way to stubborn to allow His Spirit in if I had anything left of myself. So when it was all gone…..when I was completely naked and ashamed, He swooped in and rescued me. He robed me in His Righteousness. He exposed His Light to me and revealed His sweet song in such a way that I could not resist…..
Father, You love me with an everlasting love……Let me walk out this day knowing this is true.
As I watched this video this morning, followed by reading this letter posted on a friends blog, I am sick to my stomach. My heart aches over this issue…….I just want to love people…..the end. We are all broken. We are all sinners. It is our responsibility to live a life free of sin, but above all: love God and love His people, regardless of the actions they take.
The Other Side of the Rainbow
So this is my chance to say everything that passes through my silent mind each day.
Maybe I’ll start with how I feel when I hear the word ‘faggot.’ Or with the fear that you won’t accept me, which leaves me too afraid to be honest. Maybe I’ll start with gay jokes over another meal with my ‘Christian brothers’. Or how I feel about the girl who claims she loves all ‘sinners’ yet people like me disgust her. The guy who is so insecure in his own masculinity that he has to make fun of every non-athletic guy, whom he assumes is a homosexual simply because he doesn’t fit the American ideal of “manhood”. My dad, who stopped hugging me. The living room, where I sit in silence, watching while my friends debate my salvation.
“Love the sinner, hate the sin” is a slap in the face. Who said words don’t hurt? Some celebrate homosexuality as though it was some beautiful blessing sent from Jesus himself. Then there are those, who are so busy preaching their doctrinal statements, that their ‘love’ is masked by awkwardness, and any kindness means tolerant pity. It hurts.
Some days I get so angry. Don’t you see? Don’t you see it’s me you are talking about? I never wanted this. Other days depression seems more an option… Ironic that ‘gay’ people often aren’t so happy.
As for myself, I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe isolation within celibacy will be my penance. I can’t reconcile my faith and being openly gay. I don’t want this. Maybe, to everyone’s surprise, my demons will flee from me, and I may wake up tomorrow a happy heterosexual. Maybe God will change me to the point I can get married. I live within uncertainty. So therefore I cannot pursue a lifestyle as though it held my confidence. Yet I long for assurance like everyone else. I want my white picket fence.
Those are a few of my thoughts. They are honest, but that does not mean they are innocent. I am sure some who read this will be all worked up, ready to debate their enlightened opinions. And curious gossips will try to figure out who is the faceless person behind this. So I show a fake smile, and shame through silence. Can you see my loneliness?
In my dreams, I’m free. From peoples judgment. From this sin that so entangles me. From fear of falling out of the closet. Or being swept under the rug. That I won’t be alone for the rest of my life. That I will never find my white picket fence, that I will still be accepted as a child of God. Men will learn that affection and love are signs of true masculinity. The church will be a sanctuary. And I will find freedom from silence.
They say dreams come true on the other side of the rainbow. I don’t think that’s really true.
http://unsteadysaint.com/letter-from-one-struggling-with-same-sex-attraction/
For so long I have lived with:
“sick” plastered on my forehead.
“Srew up” on a piece of paper in my back pocket.
“Mess” on the bottom of my shoe.
“death” across the back of my t-shirt…..
Today and forever I live with:
Rescued across my forehead.
Grace is in my back pocket
Redeemed is on the bottom of my shoe.
Daughter is written on the back of my t-shirt…..
From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch anyone out of my hand. No one can undo what I have done. -Isaiah 43:13
The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is His faithfulness;
His mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore I will hope in Him.
Today I am so thankful that His mercies are new every morning. That no matter what yesterday looked like, today He and I start afresh. His faithfulness is constant and He recognizes me as His own every second of every day. This truth is so overwhelming to me. To think, that the creator of the Universe, is the only One who can breathe new breath into my lungs. And not only “can” He, but He “wants” to. He wants to take that time with each of us. Time to refresh us…..to make us new.
Awaken my soul, come awake
To hunger, to seek, to thirst
Awaken first love, come awake
And do as you did, at first
Spirit of the living God come fall afresh on me
Come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow
To overflow
Awaken my soul, come awake
To worship with all your strength
Spirit of the living God come fall afresh on me
Come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow
Come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
Spirit of the living God come fall afresh on me
Come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow
To overflow
rescueddaughter 